Sometimes I Think The Devil's Behind This

It’s funny how the Universe has a way of pulling the rug out from under your feet.

I haven’t written much because as I think I’ve written before, my goal is to get through the day at work. Whatever other activities i can get from the evening, great. But usually, it’s just come home and hang out and then go to bed. Not a very exciting life. I haven’t even had the urge to write. But I’m trying to get back into that habit.

I’ve tried multiple times to say “I’m not going to let this thing rule my life. I’m going to take back my life and do what I enjoy.” Sometimes it’s worked as long as I can endure the pain and sometimes it just doesn’t work….or it backfires later.

And I guess the other thing I have to do is not get excited when things seem to be going well. It doesn’t last and I’m not sure why. This past Tuesday I thought things were going to be different – I actually made it through work without the ever present TENS unit (that has actually seemed to make it worse lately) and didn’t have as much allodynia as usual. The 4 episodes I had at work were manageable and short lived. So I was a very, very happy camper.

But, alas, Wednesday was the day from Hell. I went to work very early (0400) for several reasons and the office was hot. That didn’t start things too well but it went down hill from there. Finally at about 0900 I couldn’t take the pain any more and although I could have taken pain medicine there, I thought the better part of valor was to just come home – trying to take care of myself – maybe a little late though. I slept all day and all night – waking up to eat lunch and dinner only.

The rest of the week has been bad too. Not so bad I needed pain meds fortunately (and I am very grateful for small things) but bad enough that I’ve needed the TENS and the ice again (I had gone almost a week without needing the ice) with tenderness on my skin again.

Up and down, up and down….will this ever go away? Discouragement, despair, disappointment. What more can I say. I am really down today.


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