Man, This Is Such A Roller Coaster

Hopes go up, then come down


I know that the nerve has not healed yet (because it keeps firing). However, there are days that are “good” and I feel great hope and happiness. These are days like early Friday when it was the first time I actually didn’t dread my morning shower – the running water did not cause the usual excruciating pain and then putting on my clothes did not burn for as long. So there was hope. I was thinking that I was getting to the right dose of Gabapentin.

I went to work happy as a lamb. But after about 2 hours, the pain came back but then it died down again. However, about noon, it was firing continuously. I was not only in pain but PO’d too. I get angry at myself when I have these electrical shocks (cattle branding). Anyway, I had to resort to taking a Tramadol and that bothers me too. The last thing I want is to become addicted to pain medications.

Some days I only have the allodynia (the electrical shocks and burning) when something rubs the area or even light wind against it) and those days are sort of tolerable because I have messed with my clothing so that I can limit the rubbing. In fact, when I go out for a walk in my neighborhood, I think people who see me in my t-shirt must think I’m a derelict but nothing is on my back so that’s great.

But then there’s other days where I have both the allodynia and the spontaneous pain. It’s the spontaneous pain that really gets me discouraged. It comes randomly and then it continues to fire, fire, fire. I actually moan and groan and curse at work when I’m alone in my office. When my office mate is there, I have to control myself. At home I actually yell out when it gets bad.

I try not to lose hope. I am trying to act more normally and do things other than going to work. For the first 4 months all I could do was go to work and make it through the day then come home and crash. Now I’m starting to write again and trying to do other things.

A good friend at work told me something about the narcotics. She said she was told when she was pending back surgery that “you do what you need to in order to make it through the day”. I am trying to believe in that and know that I won’t allow myself to get addicted. I try to do everything I can to not take the medications but sometimes I just have to give in and take them.

Back to the ferris wheel of postherpetic neuralgia….’


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