It’s been almost 5 months since this all began. Even though I am very tired of it and ready for it to be over so I could get on with my life, I know that’s not up to me.
Last evening was something else again. I’m not sure I’ve experienced that much pain since this began before I had any medication.
I was doing my normal evening thing – sitting in my recliner with my cut out shirt and ice on my back. Work had been longer than usual and the rubbing of my shirt was bothersome all day even though I used my “tens” pretty much all day. But once I sat down, things were ok(ish). But about 45 minutes after I took the tramadol (I usually have to take it 2 hours before I’m ready to go to bed – it takes that long to work), the sharp pain started. I used pressure in the chair and that didn’t work (usually it will). So I eventually got up off the chair and went to my other computer (stand up) and man, that was probably a mistake. The “Cattle Branding” as I call it kept coming about every 3o seconds – feeling like I was either being branded or stabbed with the knife end stuck deep and twisted around. It was the worst I’ve had since this whole thing started (guess I said that already – sorry). I was actually screaming – since I live alone I don’t have to worry about someone in the house calling the cops. I do have to worry about neighbors hearing me since I think I was that loud.
It kept coming and coming so I gave in and took an extra tramadol. Am I a drug addict or drug dependent? Not yet and I hope that doesn’t happen.
As I write this, the pain has returned – I hope I can make it through the day.
What I meant by the subtitle of this post is that you all don’t see what it’s like to be inside this pain. To go through the day having to watch how you move, whether you can sit or not, what you’re wearing and whether it will rub on your back and start the “firing’ or not, etc. The pain is exhausting and debilitating and there’s not a damn thing you can do except take more medications. Please don’t think that I’m all better. Believe me, I will let you know when I am. And don’t think “gees, is she ever going to stop complaining” because I try very hard not to complain. My life is nothing right now and it’s a very miserable existence.
Thanks for listening